CONFIDENCE
How to Feel & Project More Confidence in Your Life

Every time I conduct a Sales or Public Speaking workshop, people tell me that the most important thing they could learn is to develop more confidence.

Yet it’s not just during presentations that people yearn for this elusive skill. Walking into a room full of strangers at a networking event, going on a date, selling to a new prospect, addressing your boss and many other intimidating scenarios run much smoother with a healthy dose of self confidence.

The million-dollar question is Can you develop confidence, or is your confidence level determined by nature? The answer is, though there are many people who are naturally more confident and outgoing, there are actions you can take to up your levels of self-confidence in every aspect of your life.

What is Confidence?

The dictionary says confidence is “a firm belief in one's powers, abilities, or capacities.” The interesting thing about it is that it doesn’t pervade all aspects of your life. You may, for example, be very confident at cooking or skiing but extremely nervous about public speaking or meeting new people.

And your level of confidence isn’t necessarily related to your lack of ability. Instead it is often the result of focusing too much on the unrealistic expectations of yourself, your peers, your parents and the rest of society.

Dr. Maynard Brusman, (www.workingresources.com), a leading consulting psychologist and executive coach, says this about building confidence:

“Confidence is essential for psychological health and happiness. Developing confidence involves discovering your core beliefs, internal self-talk including your critical voice, and core values. Increasing one's ability to be more confident involves confronting cognitive distortions, emphasizing strengths over weaknesses, and developing skills for handling mistakes and criticisms.

The focus needs to be on developing self-compassion and a commitment to non-judgment. Failures are seen as the price of admission for success. Actively seeking challenges for personal and professional growth and experiencing success bolsters confidence.”

Why do some people have less Confidence than others?

There are many ways we sabotage ourselves, mostly on a subconscious level, with negative behaviors and thoughts.

1. We focus more on negatives (comments, mistakes, events) than positives
2. We create negative meaning out of things that are not necessarily accurate (someone looking down during your presentation could mean they are intensely listening–not drifting off)
3. We depend on the approval of others in order to feel good about ourselves
4. We put ourselves down and discount or ignore compliments
5. We let the past determine our future
6. We avoid taking risks because we fear failure
7. We don’t expect to succeed

I once had a very intelligent young woman in my Presentation Skills workshop. When she spoke, she was so quiet, we could hardly hear her. When I asked about it, she laughed and said that she figured if she spoke quietly enough and made a mistake, nobody would hear it. And she meant it!

All day long, I worked to get her to speak louder until in her head, she felt like she was yelling. A month later, she called me excitedly to say that she had received comments from her colleagues, her family and her boyfriend on how confident she had become. And all she did was speak louder!

What can you do to gain more confidence?

The fist thing to understand is that confidence is something that you create–not something that magically comes to you. The saying that perception is reality holds true in many situations. A speaker, for example, may have butterflies in his stomach when he’s presenting. However, the audience often sees a smooth, confident person addressing them.

9 actions to cultivate more confidence:

1. Fake it ‘til you make it. We all suffer from the “Impostor Syndrome” at time. Just pretend that you have done whatever you are doing a thousand times. People believe what they see.
2. Monitor your self-talk. You’re going to have some conversation going on in your head. It might as well be a positive one.
3. Be prepared. Whether you are selling, presenting or speaking with your boss, the better prepared you are, the more relaxed and confident you’ll be.
4. Keep your body language in check. Slouching, fidgeting, playing with your hair, avoiding eye contact and smiling excessively are all outward signs of a lack of confidence. Studies show that people believe what they see more than what they hear.
5. Dress for success. The world gathers information about you based on how you dress. Plus, the better you look, the better you’ll feel.
6. Speak with confidence. Keep away from the dreaded “up-talking” (raising your voice at the end of each sentence so everything sounds like a question?) and “down-talking” (trailing off at the end of your sentences, giving the impression that you don’t know what you are saying). For women, speaking lower and slower often conveys more seriousness.
7. Be passionate and enthusiastic. The most persuasive people are the ones that are passionate about what they say. Be less concerned with other people’s reactions and more focused on conveying your conviction.
8. Take risks. Each time you do something you fear, (give a presentation, speak to a stranger, make a sales call), you gain confidence. As James Bryant Conant said, “Behold the turtle.  He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.”
9. Trust yourself. The most important lesson I learned from studying Improv is to stand up in front of a group without knowing what I am going to say and trust that I’ll come up with something. The more you trust yourself, the better you will do.

Confidence is like a snowball.

There’s no sense waiting for confidence when you can create it. If you project confidence, people will pick up on it and give you positive feedback. That feedback will make you feel more confident, enabling you to be even more sure of yourself and so forth.

Robert Graham


Robert Graham is the Principal of GrahamComm (www.grahamcomm.net), a consulting and training company that helps clients increase their sales and deliver outstanding presentations. He can be reached at 415-652-0763 or Robert@grahamcomm.net.

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